Another fun part of adulting - Failed relationships!!! I was recently ‘involved’ with someone for the best part of five months. It didn’t end traumatically, my heart wasn’t shattered into a billion pieces and I wasn’t a hopeless mess – it was more just a bit of a shame, and it all came to a very amicable and mature end (first time for everything I suppose).
My two (now ex) housemates, also had break ups in the time we lived together, and I thought it would be interesting to draw comparisons on how people deal with break ups differently. Bearing in mind the three break ups themselves were very different – one was the end to a 5 year relationship, the other an on / off 2-and-a-bit year relationship, and mine, the nearly-five-months-wasn’t-really-official ‘relationship’.
Living with someone means you get the pleasure of being witness to every tear, tantrum and grimy detail of how people cope.
Spoiler alert – there was a lot of wine involved in all three of our recovery periods!
The nearly-five-months-wasn’t-really-official ‘relationship’
- Don’t shave your legs for well over a month
- Drink daily
- Hold off from getting tinder because you know it is both a waste of data and also life
- Download tinder
- Get messages like this
- Go on tinder date on steak and blow job day
- Give the guy steak and get his hopes up
- Dont give him a blow job
- Laugh at guy you didn’t give blow job to with your friends
- Get your sister pissed and make her download tinder
- Tinder swipe for your sister
- Consider other dating apps but then remember how many times you were offered money to do porn on OK cupid that time you downloaded it for 24 hours
- Go on nights out and spend too much money on drinks and forget about the £150 gas and electric bill you haven’t paid for 2 and a half months
- Panic over gas and electric bill
- Realise you have distracted yourself from break up by causing yourself anxiety about gas and electric bill
It worked for me!
The five year relationship
- Initially cope shockingly well and baffle everyone around you
- Milk it a bit at work so you get to go home half way through the day and watch ex on the beach
- Stalk ex boyfriend intensely on every form of social media
- Consider career as private detective because you’re so fucking good at stalking ex boyfriend on social media
- Download tinder
- Go on Tinder date with minor celeb
- Document Tinder date with minor celeb on social media and make sure privacy settings are set to public, in hope ex boyfriend will see
- Dump minor celeb from Tinder
- Go on literally 1000 dates
- Make sure a decent proportion of these 1000 men are from work
- Give zero fucks when the men from work find out you've been dating all of them
- Dump all 1000 men and feel like fucking super woman
- Snog a guy in front of someone who you know likes you, just for lols
- Get extremely drunk
- Go home extremely drunk and run a bath
- Get in bath
- Vomit all over self in bath
- Snapchat vommy bath to friends
- Fuck everything off and move to South America
Definitely worked for her
The on / off 2-and-a-bit year relationship
- Immediately get drunk
- Cry loudly
- Call ex whilst drunk and crying loudly
- Accidentally sit on housemates cat and almost break its neck
- Argue loudly with housemate
- Cry even more loudly
- Call mum whilst crying loudly
- Be fine the next day and immediately download tinder
- Tinder at every spare possible second
- Go on tinder date and fall in instant love
- Profess new found love to anyone that will listen
- Get bored after 2 days
- Go to gay bar
- Get extremely drunk
- Fall in instant love with the first person you see
- Get bored after half an hour and find someone else
- Meet up with ex as ‘friends’
- Twice
- Get back together with ex
I suppose that worked for him too?
Break ups suck, and so does dating at times. I can’t explain how close I am to giving up all together and just getting several more cats. Will keep the blog updated with any more colourful dates I may go on, Tinder Tales part 3 coming soon! I also downloaded Bumble, was thinking when I have some stories together of doing a ‘Bumble Fumbles’ post? No? Ok, I’ll work on the title… I suppose I should be grateful really, I mean if I was in a successful functioning relationship what the fuck would I write about?! How dull!
Happy adulating peeps!
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