How Do I Tinder Part 2 - Tinder Tales

So I've been deep in the wonderful world of dating for nearly 2 years now. When I was fresh back into the game, newly released from the stresses of a failing relationship, all I wanted to do was have pretty young men with low IQs buy me drinks and have casual.... Conversations with them. Lots of them. Boys were my religion and tinder was my church. Amen 🙏🏾

These days my dating attitude is more along the lines of marry me, or fuck off. Stop wasting my time man, like I don't want to wait for 3 days for a reply to my text and have stuff popping up on my Facebook news feed about you liking selfies of 15 year olds with their titties out. BORING. It's too stressful, girls don't want to seem too keen, guys wants to be big MEN and pretend that they don't have any feelings, and neither of you want to take yourselves off the market because of the fear there might be someone with bigger knockers or a bigger wang out there waiting to bang you - you can never just bloody ask each other outright if you like each other or if it's just casual, so you date each other with no idea what's actually going on and then you start to feel something and get scared and run away. TOO MUCH STRESS, I find just keeping myself alive hard work enough, I don't need to complicate my life any more, and I'm more than happy on my own with my cat (and my 'special friends') for now, thanks. For that reason tinder is gone, but thankfully for all of you, the colourful memories of my experiences live on.

I already went into a lot of detail about my very worst tinder date, but oh boy, there are many, many more tales for me to tell.

To start - The Model / Actor

Obviously, 'Model / Actor' being the opening line of his profile was very appealing on an incredibly shallow level (but then again generally all aspects of tinder are incredibly shallow). And the professional pictures of him in suits clutching roses (probably used on unpopular dating sights ironically) were enticing. I should have been put off immediately by the weird, awkward conversations we had. In fact I should have just been put off by the 'actor' part of his profile - I learnt that lesson the hard way with my thespian ex boyfriend. But I clung on to the hope he would be this gorgeous model guy who wasn't weird, just a bit quirky, maybe weird in an endearing way. When we met, he saw me from across the road and did this awful wave like an over excited 6 year old girl who'd just seen Micky Mouse at Disney Land, even though he knew full well I had already seen him. When we were at the bar, he kept missing the glass and pouring his strawberry cider all over the table, and instead of being cool about it and casually wiping it up, he dramatically threw his head in his hands and loudly declared how utterly embarrassed he was. Seriously, every time he tried to pour the drink. I swiftly made an excuse to leave, but he insisted on walking me to the bus stop despite my protests that that was ABSOLUTELY not necessary. As we crossed the road to said bus stop, a car came quickly around the corner and he squealed like a 12 year old girl and waved his hands in the air as he dodged out of its way. I asked him jokingly if he was sure he wasn't gay, and he replied with 'No, I'm not gay, and I can think of a way to prove it to you...'. Cringing harder than I thought was possible I answered him simply with 'Please don't'.

 

The Fit Barman.

Awkward when you spend 70% of the date at the bar chatting up the fit Irish barman instead of talking to your date. Couldn't finish my drinks quickly enough! Or buy enough rounds!

 

The 5.30am

There was that one time when I got so smashed I woke up in the guys bed at 5.30am and had to ask him what had happened because I couldn't remember. May sound scary - but oh no not for me. I just thought to myself 'yeahhhhh that sounds like something I would do'. I then proceeded to walk to work in the morning in the same clothes and make up as I was in the night before, still completely smashed, only to find that was the day my line manager and area director had decided to visit the office. That was definitely a low point of my adulating.

 

The Four Beers.

The classy spoons date that ended up with me having to reject a kiss from the guy before I got on the bus because I was too busy trying not to puke all over his shoes. I had four beers over about 5 hours, I am THAT much of a lightweight. I didn't only feel sick, I was actually, physically gagging. My bus turned up and I just ran onto it without even saying goodbye to him because I was so worried I was going to puke in front of / on him.

 

The Sneaky Tug.

This was a guy I saw a good five or six times, I went to his after having dinner with some friends and was a bit shitfaced so just wanted to go to sleep. I pretended to be unconscious while he made his advances because I couldn't be bothered to... well you know. Little did he know I was not actually unconscious and I lay there while he... saw to himself. I left for work in the morning and we never spoke again. Awkwaaaaaaard.

 

The Snapchat

On that subject - I think this was my very first Tinder date - I went out with a guy after work one night in Putney, he turned out to be a pretty nice guy, handsome, intelligent, driven. We had a great night, went to the pub, then for pizza then back to the pub. We talked all night, the conversation never ran dry, and he ended up staying at mine but nothing happened. The perfect gentleman, or so I thought... I got a snapchat the next evening of him.... seeing to himself, which he had captioned 'Thinking about last night'. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DO YOU DO THAT. Lads, just don't. We literally never want to see that ever. Just DON'T. Unless we ask for it, we don't want to see it. AND WE WILL NEVER ASK FOR IT.

 

Needless to say, dating is hard. For the time being I have given up, other things are taking priority in my life, like food and not smoking (oops I had five cigarettes today). Trying to be a grown up is hard enough with out having to try and figure out what another failing adult wants when you don't even know what you want yourself. Unfortunately I have no advice to offer when it comes to dating, if anyone has any advice FOR me it would be welcomed with open arms!

 

I hope you got a good LOL out of my tragic love life, or at least I made you feel a bit better about your own. It's not all doom and gloom, I have made some great pals and have some good stories for you which I will save for another time. Happy adulating my friends x

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Quitting The Cigs

So, hand in hand with my terrible adulting and general bad decisions, I have been a smoker for two years now and I am quite severely asthmatic. Clever I know. 

In the spirit of improving my adulting, and also not dying, I have decided / I have no choice but to give up smoking.

This is how I feel when I think about actually doing it.

But unfortunately, having my one millionth chest infection since I started smoking those 2 years ago (also who the eff starts smoking at 20 years old?!) and my 4th trip to hospital in that time has left me with little choice. 

This isn't fun 

Neither are these 

Neither is this 

AND NEITHER IS THIS 

No I was not injecting heroin, that's an arterial blood gas test. It's how they get a good indication of your blood oxygen levels. Where they take BLOOD from your WRIST. They have to stab through MUSCLE to get to your ARTERY. I'd rather have 10 asthma attacks than have that done again. OUCHHHHHH.

Apparently, because I'm an irresponsible, ignorant child, it has taken me the 4th trip to hospital to realise that my chest is too weak to keep smoking. The first 3 times I was like 'Meeeeeh no big deal, it's just a shed load of drugs, 8 steroids a day for a week, that's completely normal for a 22 year old. I'll just lay off the cigs for 3 days and then I'll be fine!'. But it's pretty terrifying being 22 years old and just standing up being enough to completely take your breath away.

I've mentioned my backwards logic before.I freak out about the tiniest things, like when I run out of soap or the supermarket is out of my brand of pasta sauce, I'll tell the whole world how angry I am about it and go on about it furiously for days on end - but when massive life altering things happen, I tend to either deal with them really well or do a total ostrich and bury my head in the sand and pretend it's not happening (which kind of makes it look like I'm dealing with it well to everyone else). With the hospital trips I just did the ostrich and convinced myself that because I was still alive it wasn't a big deal, maybe uploaded a light hearted post taking the mick out of myself on Facebook, but actually it's not funny. To get serious and a bit grim for a second, realistically I could have died any of those 4 times. And that's bloody terrifying. So, no more cigs for me. 

AND IM FUCKING FURIOUS ABOUT IT. 

I'm having a complete toddler tantrum. My sister and my dad and a handful of my cousins are also asthmatic, AND THEY CAN ALL SMOKE AND THEY ARE FINE AND THEY ALL HAD WORSE ASTHMA THAN ME. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR AND IM SO ANGRY. But my life's actually quite good and I have really nice friends and family and I don't really want to die. So I have to stop. DAMN YOU WONDERFUL FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

I have no real technique for quitting yet, as the last four days have been smoke free purely because I can barely breathe in oxygen at the moment, never mind tar, but I know as soon as I'm better the first thing I will want to do is chain smoke 20 cigarettes and have a bottle of wine. I am worried I'm going to replace smoking with even more drinking. But I'm going to really try not to, and give it a proper go and bring you all along with me on my journey, maybe help some others in my position. Here's to being a better and healthier adult!

I had planned on doing a ton of blogs while I've been off work about cooking and budgeting on beauty products and bits of that nature but as you can tell, I've been a little preoccupied by finding somewhere to live and not dying. I PROMISE I HAVE ANOTHER TINDER BLOG IN THE PIPELINE, hold tight people.

Thanks for all the well wishes and happy, happy adulting peeps x

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A Bad Guide To House Hunting

So, this time last week, my wonderful friend Izzy came up and packed my life, my cat and my very teary self into her car and brought me back to Mums in East Sussex safe and sound. And, after just one week of homelessness, I've managed to find some housemates and a place to live! Not bad going for a week if you ask me! Here are a few simple steps to find somewhere like I did if you're ever in a similar situation. 

1. Make sure you don't start looking for somewhere new till well after the contract at your previous tenancy has run out and you've had to take two weeks off work to come and live with your mummy. 

2. Make sure you save next to no money and spend it all on beer and takeaways instead. 

3. Make sure you drink three bottles of red wine the night before your viewings and stay up really late so you feel like complete shit and you're exhausted all day.

4. Choose two housemates who are in a relationship so you can be a total third wheel and just chill with your cat for the duration of the new tenancy.

5. Don't mention the fact you have a cat.

6. Make sure not to check the weather on the day of your viewings so you don't bring a coat, get completely drenched and then get a chest infection.

7. Be sure to keep smoking all day even though you know you're getting a chest infection. 

8. Go to loads of properties out of your price range so the ones you can afford look a bit naff in comparison. 

9. Spend loads of money on food in between viewings so you have less for your deposit. 

10. Complain about how tired you are at 5 minute intervals throughout the day to everyone around you and get your new housemates super excited to live with you. 

Yeah.  

All kidding aside though, it was a successful and actually quite fun day and I'm HUGELY relieved I actually have somewhere to live in two weeks time, and have two amaze housemates to make a home with for the next year. The crippling panic and anxiety has eased of at least slightly. Although not completely as until we move to the new place I am stuck in a house where my mums cat and my cat are at actual war. Sweet.

I think yesterday working out is mainly down to luck, as as you can see we were not incredibly organised, we were very hungover and by about 3pm just wanted to give up and go to bed. This is not a good lesson in adulting however I am  walking proof everything tends to just work out in the end! THANK GOD.

So here I sit with a rank chest infection, tea, toast and lemsip up to my eye balls and still in my PJs at 5pm. Adulting at its finest I'm sure you will agree. And I don't even have my mummy to look after me because she buggered off to Ireland as soon as she heard I was coming home for two weeks. Cheers Ma. If anyone wants to come take care of me that would be FAB THANKS.

Happy adulting bitches x

How To Deal With Being A Nervous Wreck

^^^^ ME^^^^

I am an incredibly, incredibly anxious person. I'm basically the personification of Courage the Cowardly Dog. If you don't experience anxiety, or even know what it is, the best way I can describe it is it's the same feeling you get when someone tells you really bad news, and I don't mean 'there's no chocolate left', I mean like 'Your parents have just been eaten by snakes' kind of bad news. That weird sensation when your heart skips 3 beats and it feels like your stomach has fallen out of your arse. Kind of like you're going to projectile vomit and have a heart attack simultaneously. Well I basically live my life like this. I know, I know, I'm a total catch, form a queue fellas. Not being able to decide what to have for lunch makes me anxious, when my cat isn't home by 10pm I am completely convinced she's been eaten by foxes, I'm scared of flying, I'm scared of lifts, I am always terrified that when I'm going up stairs I'm going to trip and break my face open. Experiencing anxiety when you're going through a transition in your life, like a break up or a move or a new job is completely normal - experiencing anxiety when everything is going really well and you're just anxious about what is going to go wrong next is basically mental. So I'm going to work on this and maybe help other people who are nervous wrecks like me get over it too.

Don't get me wrong here - I'm generally a pretty chirpy person, like I'm not medicated for my anxiety, I'm not depressed and there are definitely people who experience much higher levels of anxiety than me! But it's a pretty shitty way to live your life when you just worry about everything all the time. A life lived in fear is a life half lived after all. And actually, at the moment I think my anxiety levels are pretty justified. I mean I'm pretty much at my peak of shitty adulting. I'm moving out of the house I've lived in for three years at the weekend, I (still) haven't started packing yet, I have nowhere to live and no savings for a deposit so I've had to take two weeks off work to live with my Mummy, I have to find a flat under £800000 per month that will let me keep my cat and is near a station that isn't inhabited by arse holes, and to top it all off I've just had super noodles for dinner. Plus I've paid about a billion pounds of bills this month, AND one of my closest friends at work left today. Sob :(

So I usually deal with anxiety with three things - WINE, CAKE, and TOBACCO.

Drinking through the anxiety seems like the easiest and best solution to me. And to be honest it totally works in the short term. I tend to drink till I cant feel any emotion, be it anxiety or shame. And I eat all my feelings - happiness, sadness, excitement, hunger, tiredness as well as anxiety. Smoking is a bad idea in general and doesn't help anything especially not anxiety, but I like it so whatevs. Smoking weed probably does actually help, but I cant afford that shit.

Unfortunately all my coping mechanisms are flawed. Drinking makes you hungover, and being hungover makes you anxious. This is because of all the weird chemical and biological imbalances going on in your body and your brain, and your system trying to get it all back to normal. And the drinking it's self can also go one of two ways - it is a mood enhancer after all, I mean, if you have a couple of drinks and put on some cheery tunes and have a little anti anxiety party in your room, you'll probably feel a bit better and numb that nagging knot in your stomach for a few hours. BUT you could also end up in a blubbering ball of snot and tears, calling all your friends asking why they don't love you and texting your ex boyfriends that you don't care they're engaged and have kids, you want them back. It's a risky game in its self and the end result is always the hangover anyway. For this reason I would not recommend drinking as a coping mechanism. (says the chick with the 650ml Heineken in hand - preach)

And yes, eating a chocolate bar or a big fricking bowl of ice-cream, or three cheese toasties is going to release some delightful endorphins in your brain and make you feel AWESOME for an hour or two. But then you get the sugar crash, the feeling that you have furry teeth and you need to shower because you're getting the cheese sweats, and eventually you'll also get cellulite too and that shit makes no one happy. 

So here are some ways to cope better than I do when you're feeling a bit nervous or anxious. Healthy food is going to make you feel way better than that cake. Get some greens and some fruit in that face. Make a fruit smoothie, and eat an avocado with a spoon and pretend its ice-cream. You'll still get the endorphin release, but it will last longer, and you wont feel shit afterwards, you'll feel clean and healthy and full of energy.

Distract yourself - not with wine. Organise a day out with your besties (NO BOOZE), read a book, go for a walk, call your mum, pamper yourself a bit. You will have to face up to whatever is making you anxious at some point, but distracting yourself for a couple hours doing something nice and relaxing and fun can only help. Plus when you've removed yourself from the unresolvable pit of doom you'd gotten yourself into by completely over-thinking everything, when you go back to the problem later it doesn't seem so bad.  

Do some exercise. I personally hate exercise, but I've heard it helps. Plus if it is something you do enjoy, it first of all counts a distraction and secondly it releases more of those lovely endorphins. And although you get a burst of adrenaline and energy straight afterwards and you're wide awake, after a couple hours you'll probably feel pretty exhausted and slip straight into a lovely deep sleep. Feeling anxious can keep your brain moving at a million miles an hour and make it pretty difficult to switch off and go to sleep.

Some things I plan on experimenting with to control my anxiety (and also my general out-of-control levels of anger) are yoga and meditation. If I'm being honest, I think its complete bullshit, but people who I respect and trust (who aren't total hippies for the record) have recommended it to me and said it would help. So I'll write a couple of posts on my experiences and although I'm definitely a skeptic now, who knows, maybe I'll rediscover myself! Stay tuned peeps.

Oh and if anyone in London knows of anywhere I could live that would be GREAAAAAAT.

Happy adulting x

10 Of The Worst Things About Adulting

Hello friends, back on topic after last weeks feminism rant I thought I would share with you 10 of my pet peeves about adulting...

10. Cooking

So I think I might have mentioned previously I love food. When I moved to London 4 years ago the most technical thing I could make was a cheese toastie (big up Auntie Brid for the toastie maker). After a solid two years of McDonald's, Gregs and microwave meals, I have actually started to cook things myself from scratch. And actually, it's pretty fun and gives you a massive sense of satisfaction and achievement. However, when you start it's really quite daunting. Like, looking up a recipe online is enough to put you off. Why the fuck do I need 700 ingredients to make a pasta bake. Why do I need to buy more tools than it would take to fix a car when all I want is to bake a sodding cake. And also, I don't know about anyone else but when I get home from work I don't want to spend an hour making  some elaborate feast, I want to put pajamas on and eat ice cream and drink wine in bed. WHERE DO YOU FIND THE TIME??? Take aways, fast food and ready meals are too tempting, and I am extremely lucky I am not 50 stone. Actually looking over my diet I'm pretty lucky I'm still alive. Take tonight's dinner for example...

Yum.

9. Cleaning

I'm going to be very real here. I clean my room probably once every three months. For real. I only do a load of washing when I have completely run out of clean pants and have worn at least two pairs inside out. I have fallen out on some level with pretty much every person I've ever lived with because whenever the communal areas get too dirty to inhabit I just stop using them and pretend those rooms don't exist. I HATE cleaning. But on the flip side of that when it comes to things I eat off and drink from I am a germ FREAK. I have to stearalise mugs before I make a cup of tea. I wash every utensil and piece of cutlery twice before I use it (and then leave it for a week and a half after I've finished with it before cleaning it again) My main motivation to progress in my career is to earn enough money  to pay someone else to clean my house. High five to all the housewives out there - you deserve a fucking Nobel Prize. Aaaaaaand this post has just ruined any small chance I had left of ever getting married. Sweet!

8.Having to make your own decisions.

I have made pretty much exclusively bad decisions since I have been living independently.

'Don't get a cat, you can barely look after yourself' everyone said. FUCK YOU I WILL DO WHAT I WANT. And now I'm £50 poorer a month and I cant find anywhere to live because nowhere in London allows pets. Nice one me. 

Every time I go out on a week day and have to sneak to the toilet at work to puke up my McDonalds breakfast the next day I swear I'll never do it again. Then the week after I'm all like - Oopsie its 2am on Tuesday and I'm still in Be @ 1 with three cocktails a beer and a shot of Jaegermeister. I don't have the adult function in my brain. I think I will live the rest of my life like an unchaperoned child.

7. Working

You will never be able to pay me enough to get out of bed at 7am. The only reason I work is because benefits wouldn't cover my fags and alcohol habit. 

6. Commuting to work

If there was ever an argument for contraception it is public transport in London. There is ALWAYS a screaming child on my bus. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN CRYING ABOUT - YOU'RE NOT THE ONE ON YOUR WAY TO WORK, YOU'RE PROBABLY ON YOUR WAY TO EAT A DELICIOUS ASPARAGUS PUREE THEN SHIT YOUR PANTS AND HAVE A NAP. I think my anger towards children mainly steams from pure jealousy. And if its not a screaming child, its a stinky homeless person or a half naked lunatic. And don't ask me why because my commuting face is far from friendly, but I attract ALL OF THEM like a sodding magnet.  

5. Managing your own bedtime.

I have spent the last 4 years of my life tired. Every night I say I'm getting an early night. And every night I am up till 1 am watching YouTube videos and cat vines. Is this something I can sue Apple for because I'm pretty sure I didn't do this before they equipped  me with an Iphone?

4. Managing your own money.

Like what the actual fuck am I going to work for when I spend half of it on rent for the shoe box bedroom I'm living in in the house I share with 20 other people, and the rest goes on electricity bills and toilet roll. I haven't shopped in like 3 months. Actually that's a lie, I shopped last month but this is another good reason that I shouldn't be ALLOWED to manage my own money - I made it to the last week of the month with £300 (which is a genuine first in 4 years) and instead of putting that money towards the deposit for the imminent move I have coming up, I spent it all on Topshop clothes and a pub lunch. Worth it!

3. House Sharing

Working in the property market has brought me to the very depressing realisation I will NEVER be a homeowner. Unless I win the lottery or have some really rich relatives I don't know about, I literally have no hope. And I also have no hope of affording to rent a one bedroom flat in London. Not even a fucking studio flat. Average price is genuinely over a grand a month in this city. BEFORE BILLS. So that means I will be house sharing until I'm 40. And that means I will have people complaining about my dirty dishes for the next 18 years. Moaning at me for being too loud. Chasing people 5 times before the transfer me the money for the God damn council tax. Having explosive, screaming arguments with people about crumbs on the counter in the kitchen and then not speaking to them for 3 months and having to avoid whichever room they're using until they're finished. Landlords who are unreasonable CRIMINALS like mine now.

2. Dating

Dating is just a constant roller-coaster of disappointment and anxiety to me. I meet someone who's creepy and weird - disappointment. I meet someone I like - anxiety. Why haven't you text me for a WHOLE HOUR. YOU LIKED SOMEONE ELSE'S SELFIE ON INSTAGRAM. I DON'T CARE IF IT WAS A BOY YOU CAN ONLY LIKE MY SELFIES. It's emotionally stressful and also time consuming and it's bloody expensive. Why do we have to go to some fancy cocktail bar, cant we get a 4 pack of fosters each and sit in a park??

1.The realisation this is what it will be like forever and you have to get the hang of all this shit on your own.

I just want someone to tell me how to do it all. Please. MUMMY.

I'm getting there. Slowly. Kind of. Let me know what you hate most about adulting, because misery loves company. Now I'm off to drink some wine and watch pointless videos on YouTube and forget that I'm moving out of my house at the weekend and I have nowhere to live and I haven't started packing yet.

Happy Adulting x