These days my dating attitude is more along the lines of marry me, or fuck off. Stop wasting my time man, like I don't want to wait for 3 days for a reply to my text and have stuff popping up on my Facebook news feed about you liking selfies of 15 year olds with their titties out. BORING. It's too stressful, girls don't want to seem too keen, guys wants to be big MEN and pretend that they don't have any feelings, and neither of you want to take yourselves off the market because of the fear there might be someone with bigger knockers or a bigger wang out there waiting to bang you - you can never just bloody ask each other outright if you like each other or if it's just casual, so you date each other with no idea what's actually going on and then you start to feel something and get scared and run away. TOO MUCH STRESS, I find just keeping myself alive hard work enough, I don't need to complicate my life any more, and I'm more than happy on my own with my cat (and my 'special friends') for now, thanks. For that reason tinder is gone, but thankfully for all of you, the colourful memories of my experiences live on.
I already went into a lot of detail about my very worst tinder date, but oh boy, there are many, many more tales for me to tell.
To start - The Model / Actor
Obviously, 'Model / Actor' being the opening line of his profile was very appealing on an incredibly shallow level (but then again generally all aspects of tinder are incredibly shallow). And the professional pictures of him in suits clutching roses (probably used on unpopular dating sights ironically) were enticing. I should have been put off immediately by the weird, awkward conversations we had. In fact I should have just been put off by the 'actor' part of his profile - I learnt that lesson the hard way with my thespian ex boyfriend. But I clung on to the hope he would be this gorgeous model guy who wasn't weird, just a bit quirky, maybe weird in an endearing way. When we met, he saw me from across the road and did this awful wave like an over excited 6 year old girl who'd just seen Micky Mouse at Disney Land, even though he knew full well I had already seen him. When we were at the bar, he kept missing the glass and pouring his strawberry cider all over the table, and instead of being cool about it and casually wiping it up, he dramatically threw his head in his hands and loudly declared how utterly embarrassed he was. Seriously, every time he tried to pour the drink. I swiftly made an excuse to leave, but he insisted on walking me to the bus stop despite my protests that that was ABSOLUTELY not necessary. As we crossed the road to said bus stop, a car came quickly around the corner and he squealed like a 12 year old girl and waved his hands in the air as he dodged out of its way. I asked him jokingly if he was sure he wasn't gay, and he replied with 'No, I'm not gay, and I can think of a way to prove it to you...'. Cringing harder than I thought was possible I answered him simply with 'Please don't'.
The Fit Barman.
Awkward when you spend 70% of the date at the bar chatting up the fit Irish barman instead of talking to your date. Couldn't finish my drinks quickly enough! Or buy enough rounds!
The 5.30am
There was that one time when I got so smashed I woke up in the guys bed at 5.30am and had to ask him what had happened because I couldn't remember. May sound scary - but oh no not for me. I just thought to myself 'yeahhhhh that sounds like something I would do'. I then proceeded to walk to work in the morning in the same clothes and make up as I was in the night before, still completely smashed, only to find that was the day my line manager and area director had decided to visit the office. That was definitely a low point of my adulating.
The Four Beers.
The classy spoons date that ended up with me having to reject a kiss from the guy before I got on the bus because I was too busy trying not to puke all over his shoes. I had four beers over about 5 hours, I am THAT much of a lightweight. I didn't only feel sick, I was actually, physically gagging. My bus turned up and I just ran onto it without even saying goodbye to him because I was so worried I was going to puke in front of / on him.
The Sneaky Tug.
This was a guy I saw a good five or six times, I went to his after having dinner with some friends and was a bit shitfaced so just wanted to go to sleep. I pretended to be unconscious while he made his advances because I couldn't be bothered to... well you know. Little did he know I was not actually unconscious and I lay there while he... saw to himself. I left for work in the morning and we never spoke again. Awkwaaaaaaard.
The Snapchat
On that subject - I think this was my very first Tinder date - I went out with a guy after work one night in Putney, he turned out to be a pretty nice guy, handsome, intelligent, driven. We had a great night, went to the pub, then for pizza then back to the pub. We talked all night, the conversation never ran dry, and he ended up staying at mine but nothing happened. The perfect gentleman, or so I thought... I got a snapchat the next evening of him.... seeing to himself, which he had captioned 'Thinking about last night'. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DO YOU DO THAT. Lads, just don't. We literally never want to see that ever. Just DON'T. Unless we ask for it, we don't want to see it. AND WE WILL NEVER ASK FOR IT.
Needless to say, dating is hard. For the time being I have given up, other things are taking priority in my life, like food and not smoking (oops I had five cigarettes today). Trying to be a grown up is hard enough with out having to try and figure out what another failing adult wants when you don't even know what you want yourself. Unfortunately I have no advice to offer when it comes to dating, if anyone has any advice FOR me it would be welcomed with open arms!
I hope you got a good LOL out of my tragic love life, or at least I made you feel a bit better about your own. It's not all doom and gloom, I have made some great pals and have some good stories for you which I will save for another time. Happy adulating my friends x
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