Poo year

I don't think January is really anyone's favourite month. Christmas is over. Which means you're probably fat. And poor. And unlike everyone on your Facebook you're probably neither engaged nor expecting a baby (although I personally won't complain about the latter)

New Years is also over, which means you're probably still hungover on the 3rd of January, likely woke up with a stranger in your bed who was well below your normal standards, and you still haven't been to the gym or eaten a single vegetable yet. Or, if you're me, 7 of your mates flew to Spain where you now live to spend New Year's Eve with you and you came down with the flu / a chest infection / the plague the day they arrived and spent New Year's Eve in bed sweating and crying while they drank tequila and practiced their fake orgasms (true story). 

Personally, my Christmas and New Years didn't really go to plan at all. Like a lot of people's actually, away from the glossy perfection they upload on social media. Now don't get me wrong, Christmas and New Years are wonderful and magical, like any other time you get to focus all your energy and love on the people who matter most to you. But there's a lot of pressure on these two days to be perfect, and they rarely are. Plus there's a big anticlimax when it's all over and you have to wait a whole year to do it all again. 

I always try to be a positive person and usually I'm pretty fucking good at it, but at the moment I'm just feeling a bit deflated and a bit naff. And do you know what, that's ok. And it's ok if you're feeling a bit naff to, because your a human being, and despite the fact you're supposed to magically turn into Beyoncé at the strike of midnight on the 1st of January every year doesn't actually mean you're any less entitled to be a fucking human being. 

You can still have the best year ever if you take a week to get over your hangover after New Years Eve. You can still have the best year ever if you've gained 3 stone in chocolate and wine weight over Christmas. I can still have the best year ever even though I've spent the first 3 days of the year in bed coughing so hard I genuinely think I've broken all my ribs. Don't rush ya self, forget about the pressure to make 2017 'your year' and just be kind to yourself. It doesn't have to be perfect from day one. We got 12 months of this ish to make some magical shit happen y'all. Look after yourself, and your body and your mind (I strongly suggest going vegan *shameless plug*) Then look after your family and your friends. And good things will come.  Then this will be your year. 

And hey, if I'm going to be positive about being sick over New Years - I probably saved myself from shagging someone I shouldn't have, I didn't spend any money, I've actually lost weight and I haven't had a cigarette for 4 days! Killin' it!

Now go do some shit that makes you happy, whether that's going to the gym or drinking a bottle of wine, whatever, I'm not here to judge. Have a wonderful 2017 friends. 

Happy adulting x

Spanish Stuff: Volume 1

Happy 1 month-iversary to me and my new love, Barcelona. It's going well, I think we are going to last. Just thought I'd fill you all in on some stuff I've noticed and / or learned about Spain and the Spanish culture so far, in case you are coming here, or just want a good bloody laugh, because some of it is hilarious. 

Firstly, they drive on the other side of the road. That's quite apparent pretty much as soon as you get here. You probably knew that already if you're not a retard like me. But when you've been here a month and you still try and get into the drivers seat instead of the passenger seat literally every day, you start to look pretty stupid. 

If you've never heard a Spanish family have a full blown conversation, it sounds pretty much exactly like the Eminem song 'Rap God' when he's doing the super super fast bit. There's no way an English person will ever be able to keep up so my advice is just smile and say 'Sí'. It's served me pretty well so far. 

When writing in Spanish, accents are very important. 'Si' with no accent actually means if. Not yes. Also año (year) with no accent means anus. As in arse hole. Watch out for that one.

Spanish men are soppy as fuck. Your tinder will just be full of kissy faces and heart eyes emojis. This is not my cup of tea, I'm English and am used to dating men who use 'banter' as an excuse to be  utter cunts. If I can't moan about how much of a prick you are to my girlfriends I'm not interested. Although sometimes their names are hilarious... 

Lols. 

Also I highly reccomend South American men, and there are no shortage of those here. Why do I reccomend them you ask?? Weeeellll I'll just leave this chart here.... 

I'll say no more.

If you're a low key alcoholic or an asthmatic smoker like me, then Spain is literally heaven. 50g's of tobacco is EIGHT MOTHER-FLIPPING EUROS, and you can get a 12 pack of beers for €2.85. I'm never coming home. 

Sangria hangovers literally feel like Satan hammered his way through your skull with a butter knife, took a shit on your brain and left a gaping hole in your head. Don't ever drink it for 14 hours straight (guilty). I've watched them make it and there is like 3 tablespoons of sugar in every glass . You've been warned.

If you go to the beach in Barcelona, you will be harassed every 30 seconds by people selling beers and blankets. DO NOT BUY THE BEER. I've heard a rumour they keep it in the sewers at night when they're not selling it - VOM. And if you do want a blanket, we managed to haggle a guy down from €30 to €7 so don't get ripped off. (We still didn't buy it, it was just for bants) If you don't want either of these items, I find screaming 'coño' at the top of your lungs to be pretty effective. Or just say 'Tengo un cochillo' quietly and I imagine they will leave pretty abruptly. 

Spanish people shout at each other a LOT. Don't be alarmed, this is just how they communicate. They're usually not having an argument, but sometimes it's hard to tell. 

Spanish people think English people are all alcoholics. Although in most cases this is true, try not to start bar fights or vomit in the street - athough this is normal and socially acceptable behaviour in London, it is not here. Weird. 

Spanish trains are by far the most bizarre 

I've ever encountered. Sometimes they just don't turn up. No announcements, they just never come. There are no boards showing the next trains at most stations outside the city, and a lot of the trains have no announcements on them either. And if you're sitting anywhere that isn't exactly in the middle of the train you will rarely see the station name when you pull into the platform. I have panicked several times and just guessed where to get off. It has usually been wrong. 

They also don't have bridges to cross over the platforms, you literally just walk over the tracks. Health and safety at its finest. 

Back to the positives - this is a place where my sleeping schedule is perfectly acceptable. I can sleep in the middle of the day with absolutely no judgement, because everyone else does it too. God bless you siestas <3

And finally, EVERYTHING on Spanish TV is overtly sexual. I was watching some Spanish sitcom with the 9 year old and 11 year old girls I au pair for at about 7.30 in the evening and someone threw an enormous pink dildo out a window which proceeded to hit a pedestrian on the head. There's an enourmous billboard we pass on our way into Barcelona that advertises a sex toy warehouse and condom commercials are on in the middle of the day. None of that is exaggerated for comic effect - it is very bizarre coming from a land where my mum still thinks I'm too young to have a boyfriend at nearly 24 and if someone so much as kisses on TV while you're in the same room as your family everyone becomes visibly uncomfortable. But hey, I ain't complaining. My crudeness fits right in! 

This will no doubt be volume one, I'll keep y'all updated with the weirdness and wonderfulness that is the Spanish culture.

Happy adulting peeps X